PAUSE!!!

Surrendering is sometimes very un-fun.  Yes, un-fun.  Yesterday I was sitting on my patio while the babies were sleeping and the chorus of a song came into my head that says, "In joyous surrender, with our eyes fixed on you..." and it actually made me shake my head 'no'.  Since I'm talking to God again (we had a dark spell for about a week) I told Him that at this juncture in life I reject the notion of surrender being joyous.  Right now it just sucks.  It's raw, uncomfortable, scary and affronting.  How else to say it besides simply un-fun.

Can real surrender be joyous?  Can we hold things precious and sacred to us and open those hands as an offering to God with joy?  If you can't does that make it less of an offering?  Does it matter if it's through tears and doubt and fear?  

Often in life we take something that is unfavorable and contrast it with something favorable.  Yes it's a hard season because _________, but at least we still have __________.  Generally both of these things are physical, which is normal because the most obvious trials or blessings are things that we can see.  But what happens when you've given the tangibles away?  What happens when you have trouble filling in the positive blank when you just look around at the reality of life.  The second blank ceases to be a something and is FORCED to become a someone.  We get Him.  We are forced to receive Him more fully, lean on Him more dependently, and seek Him like He really is here. 

This season has taught me that it's okay to question and it's okay to distrust God (did she really just say that?).  He can handle it.  And He knew that I would get here.  It would be ludicrous to leave my kids with someone I heard was a really neat guy who adopted all kinds of orphans, helped people recover from deadly diseases and went to sit with the elderly to read them stories and say, "Since I've heard you are such an awesome person, here are my kids... I'll just leave you guys alone!  Do with them whatever you see fit, you don't even need to ask me.  Good or bad, I'll just adjust, because I know you are right".  That would be silly in the physical realm of life... so why is it so bad to say PAUSE! in the spiritual realm when we just aren't comfortable?

So here I stand... paused.  I'm hand in hand with my God and we are halfway across the bridge.  We aren't looking behind or ahead, just pausing and taking in the beautiful landscape around us.  To the right is everything I've given Him, and if we keep walking left it's giving Him more.  It's my kids, it's our safety, it's whatever He sees fit.  He is quietly telling me things about Himself, loving on me and not judging me, telling me stories of times past, and confirming the reality that He dwells with me all of the time.  He is telling me often that He loves me unlike a love I have known.  He is letting me walk if I want to, and sit when I need to.  He is soft and sweet, understanding and patient.  He is my God whom I will follow to the other side, when I know Him more deeply and trust Him more fully.  And He is okay with that.  He is my God.