Not the way it's supposed to be...

For anyone who sits back, today of all days, and shakes their head at how broken this world is - I agree... it's not the way it's supposed to be.  

I wrote this after I sat in my Surge group last night and we went around in a circle stating things in our lives that were not the way they were supposed to be as a result of this fallen world.  I said that me loving and giving, loving and giving out of fear of a broken family or fear of abandonment rather than out of pure joy and freedom is NOT the way it should be.  I have never sat down with God and just solemnly observed how broken things are.  I always have an optimistic closer.  I'm the "yes, but..." girl with a continuous smile.  I cover the bad news... all the time.  Today I didn't.  Today I sat in it and cried over it.  And it felt freeing... in a way I felt closer to God knowing that His heart must ache and groan over what we have made this world.  I know there's good news, and I know Who the good news is.  But it doesn't make the bad news go away.  So today I wrote about the bad news... 

Terrified, panicked and in shock.  Despair.  Horror.  Lost, confused and numb.  Alone.  Angry.  Hopeless, depressed and defeated.  From living freely to being a wanderer.  No homeland - the wicked regime blew that up.  Broken family, dying children, buried parents.  Weak.  Utter weakness that begins with the physical body but splinters into the mind and infects the entire soul and spirit.  Crippling weakness that a good night of sleep won’t cure.  The kind of weakness that overshadows another day of breathing and thinking and remembering.  Darkness so dark the light seems like a vain imagination. 

This is not the way it’s supposed to be. 

Sad.  So, so sad.  So confused.  Hurt and wounded.  Going through days, submitting to routine without even engaging mentally.  Checked out.  Physically suffering from the emotional storm.  A 12-year old with ulcers.  Doctor says take some Maalox.  I wish Maalox penetrated the heart and made those kinds of cramps go away. 

This is not the way it’s supposed to be. 

Ignore it… time heals all wounds.  Except that’s a lie.  And the storms never stop, they just change.  And before you know it 10 or 20 years have passed by and what should be a mist of rain or a little breeze feels like a hurricane that threatens the entire house.  It’s just a little sprinkle.  Sure… on top of too many covered up storms, too many hurricanes rumbling beneath the surface, too many to tame.  A deep hidden world beneath the public show, and with each passing trial the pressure mounts…. and mounts… and mounts. 

This is not the way it’s supposed to be. 

It’s people who are hurting who hurt people even though they never meant to hurt people.  But those hurt people then hurt other people or instead they turn inward and hurt themselves because they are scared to death to hurt people. 

This is not the way it’s supposed to be.